The Work
What is my work now? Throughout my initiation journey thus far, my biggest struggle has been with my own commitment. Am I willing to do what it takes, or should I just go back to bed?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just beating up on myself too much, not giving myself credit for the work I have done. But, I also know that this commitment is difficult for me. I want things to be easy. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of trying. I want to make jokes at inappropriate moments, make light of that which is serious or real. I distance myself and try to keep things from being too real. Yet I feel empty when I'm distanced and distracted; I want my life to feel real. I feel so disconnected sometimes, and I long for connection. But connection takes commitment, striving, work, and risk-taking. Those things are things I typically avoid. I've never really worked hard at things. That's probably not completely true, but mostly. I leap into things, never looking too far ahead, looking only at what's immediately in front of me, only the most imminent goals.
When I was young, maybe 9 or 10 or 11, I went swimming with my sisters at a local public pool. I climbed up the high dive, and stood at the end of the board. I'd never jumped from something quite this high. I felt afraid, frozen. With a line of kids behind me, urging me to go, the moments I stood there stretched out... and then I realized that it would only take me a moment to jump, an instant to make a decision that would then be irrevocable. It was simple, really. I only had to step off, and then it would be too late to change anything. I jumped on the board, and off I went, sailing through the air with my eyes clenched shut and then splashing down into the water. I had done it!
So this has been my way ever since. I see what I want to do, and step through the fear to do something irrevocable. Like asking for initiation. But then, when there is more to do, after I have stepped off into the void, I am lost. I stepped into the void by asking for initiation more than 3 years ago, and I sometimes wonder if I am any closer at all. I'm sure I must be, but I'm certainly not there.
My thoughts about initiation have changed much since I first asked for it. I thought it was a goal; now I see that the Work is the goal. Initiation is only a beginning. I will be ready for initiation when I am truly ready to begin my Work in earnest; yet getting ready to begin my Work is a Work in itself.
To be ready to begin, to be ready for initiation, I must commit with my whole heart. I must learn how to know myself. I must hack away those parts of myself which will not serve me, and feed the parts of myself that do serve me.
To this end, I promise to do this work. I will continue my devotional work to MT, and I will strengthen my efforts. I will sit for at least 15 minutes each morning, making offerings, aligning my souls, praying, listening. I will bless and drink water each day, remembering myself and blessing myself with each drink. I will give thanks and bless my food before eating. I will strive to be honest with myself. I will open: Open me, open me, open me.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just beating up on myself too much, not giving myself credit for the work I have done. But, I also know that this commitment is difficult for me. I want things to be easy. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of trying. I want to make jokes at inappropriate moments, make light of that which is serious or real. I distance myself and try to keep things from being too real. Yet I feel empty when I'm distanced and distracted; I want my life to feel real. I feel so disconnected sometimes, and I long for connection. But connection takes commitment, striving, work, and risk-taking. Those things are things I typically avoid. I've never really worked hard at things. That's probably not completely true, but mostly. I leap into things, never looking too far ahead, looking only at what's immediately in front of me, only the most imminent goals.
When I was young, maybe 9 or 10 or 11, I went swimming with my sisters at a local public pool. I climbed up the high dive, and stood at the end of the board. I'd never jumped from something quite this high. I felt afraid, frozen. With a line of kids behind me, urging me to go, the moments I stood there stretched out... and then I realized that it would only take me a moment to jump, an instant to make a decision that would then be irrevocable. It was simple, really. I only had to step off, and then it would be too late to change anything. I jumped on the board, and off I went, sailing through the air with my eyes clenched shut and then splashing down into the water. I had done it!
So this has been my way ever since. I see what I want to do, and step through the fear to do something irrevocable. Like asking for initiation. But then, when there is more to do, after I have stepped off into the void, I am lost. I stepped into the void by asking for initiation more than 3 years ago, and I sometimes wonder if I am any closer at all. I'm sure I must be, but I'm certainly not there.
My thoughts about initiation have changed much since I first asked for it. I thought it was a goal; now I see that the Work is the goal. Initiation is only a beginning. I will be ready for initiation when I am truly ready to begin my Work in earnest; yet getting ready to begin my Work is a Work in itself.
To be ready to begin, to be ready for initiation, I must commit with my whole heart. I must learn how to know myself. I must hack away those parts of myself which will not serve me, and feed the parts of myself that do serve me.
To this end, I promise to do this work. I will continue my devotional work to MT, and I will strengthen my efforts. I will sit for at least 15 minutes each morning, making offerings, aligning my souls, praying, listening. I will bless and drink water each day, remembering myself and blessing myself with each drink. I will give thanks and bless my food before eating. I will strive to be honest with myself. I will open: Open me, open me, open me.
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