shimmer

We have no intention of explaining how excerpts from letters between a loathsome hell-spawn known as Lord Stinkblossom the Eternal Karlrovian and Pat Robertson, a minor religious functionary doing everything he can to ascend to Hell's upper echelon with both his virtue and hypocrisy intact, fell into our hands. We must protect our sources.

Though there is no surefire way to authenticate these mysterious correspondences with a high degree of metaphysical certitude, it is our journalistic duty to bring these letters forward. They shed much needed light on a televangelist's bizarre statements and shameless behavior in the last 30 years or so of his public ministry.

But be warned, dear reader. These excerpts will cause agitation in gentle souls unaccustomed to divining the spiritual realities behind the headlines. Logical positivists are advised to skip to the funnies where they are less likely to encounter offensive notions. If you're a nebby sinner, you're invited to read on:

"Hail, Pat Robertson, First Talon of the Praying Hand; Grand Shepherd and founder of the 700 Deadly Assassins Club, Murderous Wolf in Sheep's Clothing Division, Inc.

"We, the hosts of Hell salute you. By our infernal reckoning, you've blithely ignored several major commandments within 72 hours of calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Good for you. The Morning Star applauds your transparent blasphemy.

"The first rule you tossed aside was 'Thou shalt not covet,' followed by the equally anachronistic and much misunderstood dictum 'Thou shalt not kill.' Being the wise old Pharisee that thou art, you understand that the prohibition against murder is hardly unequivocal and hasn't been for some time. If there weren't reasonable allowances for killing based on anger, personal profit, religious duty, politics and nationalistic zeal, how would mankind experience any progress?

"Putting a bullet in Hugo Chavez's brain would, indeed, save the United States billions of dollars while keeping the oil flowing, but at the cost of the assassin's soul and every scintilla of moral authority any administration authorizing the hit could claim for itself.

"You were wise not to raise any of these issues with your gullible viewers, Pat. Why muddy the ethical waters with anything as inconvenient as morality when you're speaking to an audience of Christians? They already know right from wrong, so what's the point in rubbing their pious noses in it?

"Fortunately for us, no one in Christendom takes Jesus' statements about murder seriously, anyway. Remember that part in the Gospel of Matthew where Jesus says that anger at one's brother qualifies as murder in God's eyes, too? What a drama queen, eh? How are you going to fight a war on terrorism with bad advice like that floating around? Blessed be the sharpshooters, for they shall inherit the kingdom of oil!

"Nice touch with your initial denial-denial, too, Pat. In lying about whether you used the word 'assassination' in the original broadcast calling for Chavez's murder, you sidestepped the dictum 'Thou shalt not bear false witness.' As old Beelzebub says, 'If you're going to lie -- and we heartily recommend it -- then you might as well lie boldly.'

"Sure, they'll catch your duplicity on videotape, but no one cares about little fibs in a world full of abortion, gay sex and Islamic militancy. You covered up nicely by telling the media vultures your words were misinterpreted and that you were actually calling for Chavez to be kidnapped. You brought a lot of dishonor to the gospel by compounding your lie, Pat. Again, Lucifer salutes your ingenuity.

"You also get kudos for comparing your situation as an advocate for assassination to Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the Lutheran nut who was arrested for trying to kill Hitler. Remember, whenever you find yourself in trouble, drag the Fuhrer's name into the mix. It will distort everything and bring that old rug chewer the notoriety he continues to crave even in hell.

"Meanwhile, keep up the good work, Pat. The eyes of His Infernal Majesty rest ever upon you. Sincerely, your affectionate mentor in the faith -- Stinkblossom Karlrovian, the Archduke of Pain."

Posted by Jean on Monday, August 29, 2005 at 4:17 PM | Permalink